caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
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Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
oh shit
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff