I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
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[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.