FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
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him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.