Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
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My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
My beach vacation Google searches
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Spring cleaning checklist…
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
My ideal weight is five million dollars
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.