edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
You Might Also Like
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf