Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
You Might Also Like
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.