Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
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When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Google assistant rules
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat