doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
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I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret