[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
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Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I am yelling
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do