[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
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the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person