*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
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The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Why is everyone getting married at me
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
This makes total sense…
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*