Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
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There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Sorry. Not sorry
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD