early stone age tool
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My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.