My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
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A new level of troll.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*