There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
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[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong