Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
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Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I bet
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one