Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
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“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I can also cook 😂
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want