vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
You Might Also Like
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”