I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
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*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”