[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
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Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Childbirth is so beautiful
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me: