Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
You Might Also Like
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish