“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
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At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
If you love someone, let them sleep.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.