First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
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my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship