She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
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me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.