[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
You Might Also Like
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss