NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
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It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot