[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
You Might Also Like
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe