righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
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*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
They grow up so quick
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone