Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
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Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]