I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
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*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.