KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
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My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
In space, no one can hear…
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.