I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
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HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Aw man, but that’s the best part