JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
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okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Carpe DM
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Rather alarming headline…
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.