Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
You Might Also Like
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Science memes
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat