my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
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I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire