8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
You Might Also Like
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.