Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
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Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Sponch
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.