Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
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#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
🤣🤣
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.