“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
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told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Grandmother clock.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.