*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
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If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.