Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
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I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me: