CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
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HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned