On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
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My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s