Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
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Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.