Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
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So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.