I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
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Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar