too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
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I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.