Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
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Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
🌱🌱🌱
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
liiiiiiiiike
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper