My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
You Might Also Like
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…