toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
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how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell